If I Had It All To Do Over... Raising a Sociopath

The thought of living our sociopath son's teen years over again is absolutely horrifying.  They were such a roller coaster ride of emotions with a lot more time spent down that up.  Our home is generally a very peaceful place to be.  When he was home though, it was the opposite.   It was like he sucked the peace right out of a room upon entering and spewed forth negative energy.  We walked on eggshells, forced to be suspect of his every move. We had to safe guard our wallets, purses, vehicles and younger children.  We felt like prisoners whenever he was home.  It is was like having the enemy in our camp and being powerless to evict him!  Why secure the house each night when the one we feared most was within?

I ask myself frequently what I would do differently if I had it to do all over again.  At that time though, we didn't know how dire his diagnosis was.  We had hopes of saving him from himself, so we kept plugging away.  As a consequence, we lost our next oldest to drugs, alcohol and crime for quite some time. 

I don't know what we could have done differently.  We hung in there.  We tried it all.  We listened to every professional and tried every technique and method suggested.  We read and studied and fasted and prayed and tried to love him through it all.  I was blessed to be a stay-at-home mom so that I could stay on top of things and my husband changed careers so that he wouldn't have to leave town.

In retrospect, knowing what I know now, that we were fighting a losing battle, would I have done anything different?  The only thing I can imagine is that maybe I could have gotten a high enough paying job to be able to put him into a military school.  He went through several fabulous state-sponsored rehabilitative programs, from Therapeutic Group Homes to Detention Facilities to a Wilderness Trek, but they were temporary and I fear he just corrupted the other boys and manipulated the adults, especially the female ones.  What we needed was a place where they were paid to keep him, but it would have had to have been a high security facility and those don't come cheap!  All I've ever wanted in life is to be a full-time mom, but if it would have meant saving my other children from his influence, then I suspect that my returning to work for a few years might have been worth it.

So there you have it, but I have to chuckle, because being a mother, I realize that had we done that, I would probably live in guilt for having "abandoned" him!  There is no escaping the mommy guilt!  It is our lot in life, but I'll take it, for there is no greater calling in life than parenthood.  Though I'd not choose to repeat those years, I would never trade the education I received.  Now where can I go for an honorary degree?

Did you raise a sociopath?  What would you have done differently?  What advice would you offer?

I'd Rather Die Laughing than Crying- Surviving a Sociopath

If the first method of surviving a sociopath is to remember that you are not the crazy one, the second must be humor. 

While there is nothing funny about sociopathy and the scars it leaves on so many, humor can be found in the audacity of it all if you look hard enough.  Laughter is the best medicine and if you can find humor even in the darkest moments of your life, then they won't be all that dark after all.

If you can find a friend that can help you laugh at the bad things that happen, you have found a treasure indeed.  The last thing I want is to call a friend for support and have them get all depressed about it and leave me feeling even more down.  I want them to understand the gravity of the situation, but then to be able to help me see the levity in it also. 

I'll never forget the day that I found myself dusting the chair rail in the big boy's bedroom for the second time that week.  I got curious as to why it was suddenly so dusty and started doing some investigating.  What I found was heartbreaking, but the irony was too much to pass up, so I took pictures and sent them in an email to my most supportive friends.  I titled it:

"I'd Rather Die Laughing than Crying...

and This Weary Mom Needs Someone To Laugh With Her!"

This vinyl lettering hangs in my son’s room  

it stands for

‘Choose the Right’.

The picture below that

says,

‘All I Need to Know I Learned in Primary’.

It contains bits of wisdom like

‘Choose the Right,

I am a Child of God,

Honor your father and mother,

Keep the Commandments

and My Body is a Temple’.

Well, you can’t say we didn’t try

 to teach them right from wrong.

I found myself dusting the chair rail below the picture for the second time in a week though…

 it shouldn’t get that dirty that fast…

hmmm… something is wrong here…

so I lifted the picture off the wall and I found this…

…now we know the latest stashing spot

for contraband. 

Oh, c’mon!

I know it’s terribly sad, but

crying gives me a headache

and makes my eyes

all red and puffy.

The irony couldn’t be greater.

Laugh with me! 

Please!

Besides, 

their dad will be ticked enough

 for the all of us!!!

When you are done laughing, please say a prayer for our self-destructive boys and for their parent’s sanity.

Laughter is liberating!  It means that you choose NOT to be a victim of circumstances, giving you a sense of control.

Laughter is uplifting!  It releases those feel-good endorphins giving you a natural high.

Laughter is courage when you are faced with someone out to destroy you and your world.

Find someone who will laugh with you or come here and share and together we'll laugh ourselves well and whole again.

Now I Understand... Narcissism and the Sociopath

Along with our son's diagnosis of Conduct Disorder (read young sociopath) as a teen, came a diagnosis of narcissism.  Well, I had to look that up and what I found explained a lot. 

Now I understood why he spent so much time in front of the mirror a an early age, making sure he looked perfect.  Now I understood his shoe fettish! 

Now I understood why he quit sport teams where he was very succesful, but not THE STAR. 

Now I understood why family and friends had to repeatedly rewind and rewatch footage of him playing sports so that we could all admire his calf muscles.

Now I understood why he was "the bomb" and the absolute best at everything... at least in his own mind.  Not that he didn't proclaim it on a regular basis.

Now I understood why when introducing himself to the church congregation, he ended with, "I hope you all enjoy me."

Seriously.  He said that.

Now I understood why the boy that can't determine fact from fiction can remember so very well, everytime I tried to warn some girl about him and hates me for it to this day.

Whether the narcissist in your life is your  man, your child or your mother, step carefully! Understanding the narcissist is important.  How to handle them is even more important.

"Your 'outing' of him or her adds to his narcissistic injury.  A narcissist needs to look good in front of others and you gain nothing by proving he is not the best, smartest, wealthiest, most capable person he wants to be seen as."

While this is all rather amusing on the surface, it is truly quite disturbing on deeper levels.  Narcissism destroys families, it destroys lives.  Learn about it and how to protect yourself and please, share your insights here. Together we can heal.

My Secret Truth- Confessions From the Mother of a Sociopath

I'd rather my son had cancer, even terminal cancer.


As a mother, I never, ever thought I would say something like that, but it is my awful truth.


If he had contracted cancer as a teen instead of this personality disorder, then it would have been him and us fighting together against the cancer.  Instead, what we got was him turned sociopath, fighting against us and all that we hold dear.  And he was determined to infect all of the rest of us, particularly his younger siblings!


Even if it were terminal?  Yes!  If he had died as the boy we knew and loved, we would miss him desperately, but we would be at peace with knowing that he was in the loving arms of our Savior and that we would be together again someday.


As it stands, we desperately miss the boy that was once such an integral part of our family anyway.  We don't recognize this man-child that has tried so hard to tear this family apart.  We don't know this man that turned my husband's parents so viciously upon us.


If he had contracted a terminal illness, then he wouldn't be spending his days destroying the lives of innocent women and children, commiting armed robberies and home invasions.  He wouldn't have pulled his younger brother along with him into a life of drugs and crime.  If he had died while he was young, we wouldn't worry over his eternal salvation.


This is my truth.  Why would I share such a thing?  In hopes that you will come to peace with the awful truths that your sociopath has brought to your life. 

I would love to hear from you as we take this journey toward healing together.

I'm not the crazy one! Maintaining Your Sanity Despite a Sociopath.

I have found that the first step in surviving a sociopath is to repeat the mantra, “I’m not the crazy one!” 

Then  continually repeating it over and over and over and over… because the sociopath will be trying over and over to convince you and others that you are plumb crazy or the cause of all their woes.

Our son had been in prison for a year before we found the strength to visit.  We went with great trepidation for we were still healing from the many wounds he has left us with.  We also went with hope and a prayer in our hearts that we would find a boy who was finally starting to take responsibility for his actions. 

Alas, we were disappointed once more, as he again laid the blame for his conditions at our feet.  I found my stomach was in those old familiar knots and my mind was whirling with confusion.  I’d nearly forgotten how he could create such turmoil within. 

As we left the prison, we sucked in the cool fall air, savoring the taste of freedom.  We sat in the car and began to talk, trying to regain our mental and spiritual footing.  We reminded ourselves repeatedly that we couldn't possibly be the guilty party or we wouldn’t be  the ones free to leave that place. 

We knew we couldn’t go home to the other children in our current state of mind, but we found a little trip to Ikea for some retail therapy and Chocolate Overload Cake worked wonders.

Of course the best way to survive a sociopath is to avoid a sociopath, but that isn't very feasible when it's a close family member. 

How do you maintain your sanity? 

How do you not just survive, but thrive despite the sociopath in your life?