Grieving and mourning aren't just for those that have lost a loved one to death. There are other ways to lose a loved one and the pain is just as real and possibly even more complicated.
For us, we lost our sweet little boy to sociopathy. It's not so different than losing a child to cancer, and yet it is, because the child is still around, but in a different form and causing trouble. We don't recognize or like the man he has become. We truly grieve that lost son.
Taking the time to mourn is absolutely essential when you are dealing with a family member that is a sociopath. They are self-destructing and likely trying to destroy the entire family. Much is lost.
As a mother, my grief would build up as I tried to take care of the rest of my family despite what our son was putting us through. I would eventually come to a point where I knew I had to let it out or bust.
I found that the best method for me was to get my husband off to work, my children off to school and take the phone off the hook. Then I would take the time to write, cry and pray and get some mourning done. By the time the family returned in the afternoon, I would have showered, applied make up and I'd be ready to "be there" for them.
Grief is work and must be worked through. Avoiding it or masking it with alcohol or drugs doesn't make it go away, it only postpones it. Grief postponed is grief that is magnified. Get it done as you go. It can't be avoided. You may think you can hold it in, but you can't. It will manifest itself phsically and it won't be pleasant.
More on that next time and in the interim, be good to yourself!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
The Spawn of the Sociopath
"Spawn" is a terrible way to think of any precious child, but it is a good representation of how the sociopath looks upon the children he "brings into this world". (I can't bear to write "fathers" in reference to sociopaths.) Spawn usually refers to offspring in great numbers, and that is what the sociopath tends to produce since they are rarely if ever monogamous and they are incredible risk takers. They tend to sow their seeds everywhere they go.
A recent comment left on this site stated:
"Unfortunately I fell in love with a sociopath, and am now pregnant by him, only to realize he is married with 5 children, and is denying he's the father of my child. He lied about everything about himself, even went so far as to make up a story about his daughter dying. The man shed tears in my presence. Now I'm heartbroken, single, emotionally shattered, and wondering if I have the strength to terminate this pregnancy (I don't believe in abortion). I'm praying I don't have an incurable disease as a result of my interaction with him. My biggest fear is if I have this child, if it will turn out to be a sociopath, because sociopathy is highly genetic."
My reply to her follows:
I'm so sorry to hear this. You have some difficult decisions ahead of you, but thankfully, you've taken that all important first step of recognizing him for what he is.
Yes, there is a chance that the child could inherit it, but there is also a chance that it might not. In our case, only one of our five got the unlucky genes.
I cannot imagine dealing with a conduct disordered child as a single parent though. My husband changed careers once our boy went south because I had to have the mental, spiritual and even physical support at home.
Please, please, please consider the adoption option. Adoptive parents know that just like birth parents, they are taking a chance on what issues the child may have. But they have waited and prayed and prepared for years to have a child and they are equipped to deal with what ever comes their way.
More importantly, if you put the child up for adoption, the sociopath can never return to wreak havoc in his/her life. If you keep the baby, the sociopath is almost certain to never support it financially, and he can return at anytime and haunt both you and the child all your days.
The night our son was arrested, his girlfriend called to tell us and informed us in the same call that she was pregnant. Unfortunately she had already told him. She was a smart, educated girl and my advice to her was to adopt it out, but if not, to at least get him to sign away his rights rather than going for financial support. He'll never pay anyway.
I love, love, love children, but I would sacrifice my relationship with a grandchild anyday if it meant that the child would have a chance at life free of a sociopathic father with two people who are so very prepared and anxious to be parents.
As our son stood trial, the rumor mill spewed out different tales about the now ex-girlfriend. She was pregnant. She wasn't. She'd had a miscarriage. She hadn't. The other girls in "his harem" were mean and nasty about it and we distanced ourselves from all of it as much as we could. The girl had left the state and I suspect that she followed our advice. I pray for her and the child where ever they are and hope that they will remain free of our son's destructive influences.
Trust me when I say that the child will be used as a pawn in the sociopath's game of life. Our son has one child nearby and I've witnessed it repeated over and over in our grandchild's short life as contact with the child was used to try to control myself and others.
It breaks our hearts when this child talks about dad and how he's in prison, but even more, we dread the day our son will get out and return to this child's life. The child is a clone of him, and yet one time he claims the kid and the next time he is denying paternity and wanting us to get DNA testing done. We were there at the birth, we've been there for birthdays and Christmases and mom and dad going in and out of jail and prison. We will not deny this child nor be a part of our son doing so.
I will keep you and your health and the well-being of the child in my prayers. Remember that the most self-less, loving thing you can do is to give this child up. It would be the very hardest thing you would ever do, but you would bring incredible joy to not just the baby, but two parents, four grandparents and countless aunts, uncles and cousins in the new family that you would help create. God bless!
A recent comment left on this site stated:
"Unfortunately I fell in love with a sociopath, and am now pregnant by him, only to realize he is married with 5 children, and is denying he's the father of my child. He lied about everything about himself, even went so far as to make up a story about his daughter dying. The man shed tears in my presence. Now I'm heartbroken, single, emotionally shattered, and wondering if I have the strength to terminate this pregnancy (I don't believe in abortion). I'm praying I don't have an incurable disease as a result of my interaction with him. My biggest fear is if I have this child, if it will turn out to be a sociopath, because sociopathy is highly genetic."
My reply to her follows:
I'm so sorry to hear this. You have some difficult decisions ahead of you, but thankfully, you've taken that all important first step of recognizing him for what he is.
Yes, there is a chance that the child could inherit it, but there is also a chance that it might not. In our case, only one of our five got the unlucky genes.
I cannot imagine dealing with a conduct disordered child as a single parent though. My husband changed careers once our boy went south because I had to have the mental, spiritual and even physical support at home.
Please, please, please consider the adoption option. Adoptive parents know that just like birth parents, they are taking a chance on what issues the child may have. But they have waited and prayed and prepared for years to have a child and they are equipped to deal with what ever comes their way.
More importantly, if you put the child up for adoption, the sociopath can never return to wreak havoc in his/her life. If you keep the baby, the sociopath is almost certain to never support it financially, and he can return at anytime and haunt both you and the child all your days.
The night our son was arrested, his girlfriend called to tell us and informed us in the same call that she was pregnant. Unfortunately she had already told him. She was a smart, educated girl and my advice to her was to adopt it out, but if not, to at least get him to sign away his rights rather than going for financial support. He'll never pay anyway.
I love, love, love children, but I would sacrifice my relationship with a grandchild anyday if it meant that the child would have a chance at life free of a sociopathic father with two people who are so very prepared and anxious to be parents.
As our son stood trial, the rumor mill spewed out different tales about the now ex-girlfriend. She was pregnant. She wasn't. She'd had a miscarriage. She hadn't. The other girls in "his harem" were mean and nasty about it and we distanced ourselves from all of it as much as we could. The girl had left the state and I suspect that she followed our advice. I pray for her and the child where ever they are and hope that they will remain free of our son's destructive influences.
Trust me when I say that the child will be used as a pawn in the sociopath's game of life. Our son has one child nearby and I've witnessed it repeated over and over in our grandchild's short life as contact with the child was used to try to control myself and others.
It breaks our hearts when this child talks about dad and how he's in prison, but even more, we dread the day our son will get out and return to this child's life. The child is a clone of him, and yet one time he claims the kid and the next time he is denying paternity and wanting us to get DNA testing done. We were there at the birth, we've been there for birthdays and Christmases and mom and dad going in and out of jail and prison. We will not deny this child nor be a part of our son doing so.
I will keep you and your health and the well-being of the child in my prayers. Remember that the most self-less, loving thing you can do is to give this child up. It would be the very hardest thing you would ever do, but you would bring incredible joy to not just the baby, but two parents, four grandparents and countless aunts, uncles and cousins in the new family that you would help create. God bless!
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