What do you think is the best revenge against a sociopath?
One can lay awake nights plotting and planning the ultimate revenge, coming up with many creative versions of delicious fantasies, but in the end there would be no satisfaction in bringing the plan to fruition. Instead, one would only find themselves reduced to being on the sociopath's level, and that is a place none of us want to go!
Revenge won't bring closure. Revenge keeps you stewing in your juices and that is right where the sociopath wants you! Why drag it out? Why continue to be a victim by letting the sociopath remain in your thoughts?
It would be so much sweeter to make a clean break and move forward, but you cannot move ahead if you are busy getting even.
When I worked with a group of girls that had recently been removed from an abusive home, I repeatedly counseled them as to the best method of revenge.
As Arthur Schopenhauer said, "We can come to look upon deaths of our enemies with as much regret as we feel for those of our friends, namely, when we miss their existence as witnesses to our success."
The best revenge against someone who has worked so hard to derail you and destroy you? A life well lived. There are few things they hate more than to see someone happy and that is just what you'll be if you put all of your energies into living your best life.
How have you moved ahead and lived your best life?
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Forgive and forget a sociopath? Are you nuts?!
I believe in forgiveness. Yes, even for a sociopath. I do not however, believe in forgetting when it involves a sociopath and I don't believe that the Lord would want us to. Forgive them and move on? Yes! Forget and be a repeat abuse victim? No! Never.
Now let me add that forgive and forget is perfectly sound advice when dealing with healthy people who may hurt or offend you. I want people to both forgive and forget the mistakes I've made and I certainly want the Lord to do the same for me, so I must offer that to others as well! The rules are different when you are dealing with a sociopath, however, and only because you must defend and protect yourself and your family.
I saw on Facebook where a woman, trying to heal and move forward asked how she can forget the sociopath. She was wisely advised not to. While continuing to dwell on the sociopath and the havoc he wreaked, will only empower him or her, it is very important for us to always remember the lessons learned.
She also asked how she can forgive herself. Come again? She was a victim! There is no forgiveness of self required unless she continues to remain a victim.
One way to pave the road toward forgiveness is to remember that the sick, evil games that sociopaths play can and will be played on anyone and everyone. It's not about you, it's about opportunity as they see it. You are just a game piece in this game they call life. You were merely an opportunity to attain something they wanted.
Don't take it personally. Easier said than done, right? It is tough to do for me as a mother, but I recognize that my son would hate anybody that had been his mother. He would hate anybody who stood in his way and called him on his crap.
It is a proven fact that forgiveness is good for you. There are definite health benefits such as lower heart rate, blood pressure and stress levels resulting in lower risk of depression for you, the forgiver. Many find that once they forgive another, that many of their health complaints are relieved. It is true that feelings buried alive never die- they just pop up in the form of physical ailments! So do it for you. Find forgiveness in your heart, but don't ever forget lest you be victimized again.
"Being mistreated is the most important condition of mortality, for eternity itself depends on how we view those who mistreat us."
- The Peacegiver
Now let me add that forgive and forget is perfectly sound advice when dealing with healthy people who may hurt or offend you. I want people to both forgive and forget the mistakes I've made and I certainly want the Lord to do the same for me, so I must offer that to others as well! The rules are different when you are dealing with a sociopath, however, and only because you must defend and protect yourself and your family.
I saw on Facebook where a woman, trying to heal and move forward asked how she can forget the sociopath. She was wisely advised not to. While continuing to dwell on the sociopath and the havoc he wreaked, will only empower him or her, it is very important for us to always remember the lessons learned.
She also asked how she can forgive herself. Come again? She was a victim! There is no forgiveness of self required unless she continues to remain a victim.
One way to pave the road toward forgiveness is to remember that the sick, evil games that sociopaths play can and will be played on anyone and everyone. It's not about you, it's about opportunity as they see it. You are just a game piece in this game they call life. You were merely an opportunity to attain something they wanted.
Don't take it personally. Easier said than done, right? It is tough to do for me as a mother, but I recognize that my son would hate anybody that had been his mother. He would hate anybody who stood in his way and called him on his crap.
It is a proven fact that forgiveness is good for you. There are definite health benefits such as lower heart rate, blood pressure and stress levels resulting in lower risk of depression for you, the forgiver. Many find that once they forgive another, that many of their health complaints are relieved. It is true that feelings buried alive never die- they just pop up in the form of physical ailments! So do it for you. Find forgiveness in your heart, but don't ever forget lest you be victimized again.
"Being mistreated is the most important condition of mortality, for eternity itself depends on how we view those who mistreat us."
- The Peacegiver
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Sociopaths Lie Even When the Truth Will Do
Have you ever looked at your sociopath and wondered why they would lie about such simple, unimportant things? They'll lie about what they had for lunch even though it doesn't matter. The truth would serve quite sufficiently, but they'll lie anyway. You will notice that they don't even seem to be able to tell the difference between fact and fiction anymore as they have lied to themselves so extensively.
They'll even lie to you about you. You know perfectly well that it's a lie, but they are so persistent, looking you in the eye and "swearing to God" that it's the truth, that pretty soon you are questioning your own sanity.
Our son, as he worsened, lied both to us and about us. He told the neighbors, his friends, extended family members and all kinds of other people all kinds of horror stories about us to gain their sympathy and their support. We would meet people for the first time and they would look at us like we were monsters. We only learned later about how we had kicked him out, given him alcohol in the home, abused him, etc. They were all lies, but convincing sounding ones coming from his mouth.
It's a wonder that they didn't come and take all of our children away. That was one reason why we corresponded so freely with his counselors and probation officers. I didn't want to be a pest, but I wanted to make sure our side was heard, not out of revenge, but protection for the family.
If you have a child with conduct disorder, I recommend that you stay in close contact via email with teachers, attendance clerks, counselors, etc. And make sure your e-mail is highly secure!
We are still healing wounds our son created with extended family members. They heard so many lies about us over the years from our son through his grandparents who were total suckers for him, that they were convinced of our insanity. Now that the grandparents are gone and our son is in prison, they are very, very slowly realizing that maybe, just maybe we weren't the crazy ones.
To this day, I dread any conversation with our boy and get no pleasure from reading his letters because everything he says, we automatically doubt. It is a horrible way to live, but we have to protect ourselves by not believing him. We can still be victimized by his lies to others about us, but not by his lies to us.
We can minimize even that victimization though when we recognize that it is not personal. Lying and smear campaigns are just what sociopaths do. They are severely handicapped by their missing emotions and the mental illness. He's not doing it because he hates us personally, so much as for the roles we fulfilled in his life as his parents, especially as parents with the guts to call him on his crap and try to warn his prey. For that we can be proud!
They'll even lie to you about you. You know perfectly well that it's a lie, but they are so persistent, looking you in the eye and "swearing to God" that it's the truth, that pretty soon you are questioning your own sanity.
Our son, as he worsened, lied both to us and about us. He told the neighbors, his friends, extended family members and all kinds of other people all kinds of horror stories about us to gain their sympathy and their support. We would meet people for the first time and they would look at us like we were monsters. We only learned later about how we had kicked him out, given him alcohol in the home, abused him, etc. They were all lies, but convincing sounding ones coming from his mouth.
It's a wonder that they didn't come and take all of our children away. That was one reason why we corresponded so freely with his counselors and probation officers. I didn't want to be a pest, but I wanted to make sure our side was heard, not out of revenge, but protection for the family.
If you have a child with conduct disorder, I recommend that you stay in close contact via email with teachers, attendance clerks, counselors, etc. And make sure your e-mail is highly secure!
We are still healing wounds our son created with extended family members. They heard so many lies about us over the years from our son through his grandparents who were total suckers for him, that they were convinced of our insanity. Now that the grandparents are gone and our son is in prison, they are very, very slowly realizing that maybe, just maybe we weren't the crazy ones.
To this day, I dread any conversation with our boy and get no pleasure from reading his letters because everything he says, we automatically doubt. It is a horrible way to live, but we have to protect ourselves by not believing him. We can still be victimized by his lies to others about us, but not by his lies to us.
We can minimize even that victimization though when we recognize that it is not personal. Lying and smear campaigns are just what sociopaths do. They are severely handicapped by their missing emotions and the mental illness. He's not doing it because he hates us personally, so much as for the roles we fulfilled in his life as his parents, especially as parents with the guts to call him on his crap and try to warn his prey. For that we can be proud!
Friday, February 11, 2011
The Sad, Sad End of a Sociopath
Search Amazon.com for narcissism
I just returned from quite a bizarre trip.
An old family "friend" died recently and since she had burned bridges with every last friend and family member except my sister, she got to take care of all the final arrangements. I have maintained for years that this woman is a died-in-the-wool sociopath, but I don't think my sister quite believed me. I believe she does now.
This woman went out in true sociopathic style, having not taken responsibility for her own final arrangements even though she had been wanting to die for at least a year. My poor sister had to jump through all kinds of hoops to get the legal okay to get the arrangements taken care of- at her own expense!
A return trip had her and I trying to clear her condo upon the landlord's request. We held an estate sale to try and recoup the costs of the cremation and the travel. We had one and half days to sort through and "stage" the condo for the sale including four dressers, two walk-in closets and an armoire of clothing and we worked very hard and got very little sleep and began to get a little "punch drunk" because of it. It was getting quite comical towards the end as every time we thought we were done displaying something we'd find another drawer of that same item.
Calls would go out across that apartment, "Make that 66 purses!"
"Now we have 50 saleable shoes!"
"Hold on, here is another drawer of clothes!"
"A-n-d... we have another pair of glasses!"
Sadly, she had once been a very wealthy woman and we sold many items far below their value because we had to clear it out in a hurry. Those who came got great deals and the sale netted only a few hundred dollars. A whole life for a few hundred dollars.
She had two albums of family members, two of her dog and over 30 of her, her, her. I don't think she ever had an outfit she didn't get a picture in. There was shot after shot of close ups of her (quadruple prints) and an entire album of pictures of her possessions and homes.
It was absolutely tragic to sort those dozens of albums, pull out a few pictures and throw the rest away. With each hefty volume I launched up and into the dumpster, I reflected on what an empty life she had led. Sure she traveled the world extensively, but she did it alone or with someone else's husband. Now there is nobody in the world left to treasure her memories. What if she had gone on humanitarian trips instead? Imagine the improved lives she could have left behind.
As a pastor hauled off her clothes to an inner city ministry, my sister found herself saying, "Well friend, at least your clothes are going to a good cause." She said she heard the friend's voice reply in her head though, "To those filthy drug dealers and prostitutes?"
Her paperwork was left in complete disarray too, requiring many hours of work to sort through. It also left a trail of proof as to her sociopathic ways. Paper after paper revealed falsehood after falsehood and laid evidence of the web of lies that was her existence.
Most entertaining was a letter she'd written to her most recent ex-husband who she had been married to for only a very short time. A millionaire, or at least that's what we'd always been told, he had been trying to get out of paying her so much alimony and she was berating him. She had written a long list of problems in her life (many of them falsehoods) and after each one, she wrote "YOU DID THIS TO ME!"
Amusingly enough, she accused him several times over of being a sociopath, even listing off all the traits and characteristics of one. We couldn't help but wonder if she recognized herself in them or if her lies just ran too deep to do so.
She lived a selfish, self centered life, never taking responsibility for her own actions and died a sad, sad person who will be remembered only for the comedy of errors she left behind.
Oh, and when packing her urn for the trip, which is, quite simply, a crock from her own kitchen counter, my sister couldn't quite resist labeling the wrapping, "YOU DID THIS TO ME!"
Why break with tradition now?
I just returned from quite a bizarre trip. An old family "friend" died recently and since she had burned bridges with every last friend and family member except my sister, she got to take care of all the final arrangements. I have maintained for years that this woman is a died-in-the-wool sociopath, but I don't think my sister quite believed me. I believe she does now.
This woman went out in true sociopathic style, having not taken responsibility for her own final arrangements even though she had been wanting to die for at least a year. My poor sister had to jump through all kinds of hoops to get the legal okay to get the arrangements taken care of- at her own expense!
A return trip had her and I trying to clear her condo upon the landlord's request. We held an estate sale to try and recoup the costs of the cremation and the travel. We had one and half days to sort through and "stage" the condo for the sale including four dressers, two walk-in closets and an armoire of clothing and we worked very hard and got very little sleep and began to get a little "punch drunk" because of it. It was getting quite comical towards the end as every time we thought we were done displaying something we'd find another drawer of that same item.
Calls would go out across that apartment, "Make that 66 purses!"
"Now we have 50 saleable shoes!"
"Hold on, here is another drawer of clothes!"
"A-n-d... we have another pair of glasses!"
Sadly, she had once been a very wealthy woman and we sold many items far below their value because we had to clear it out in a hurry. Those who came got great deals and the sale netted only a few hundred dollars. A whole life for a few hundred dollars.
She had two albums of family members, two of her dog and over 30 of her, her, her. I don't think she ever had an outfit she didn't get a picture in. There was shot after shot of close ups of her (quadruple prints) and an entire album of pictures of her possessions and homes.
It was absolutely tragic to sort those dozens of albums, pull out a few pictures and throw the rest away. With each hefty volume I launched up and into the dumpster, I reflected on what an empty life she had led. Sure she traveled the world extensively, but she did it alone or with someone else's husband. Now there is nobody in the world left to treasure her memories. What if she had gone on humanitarian trips instead? Imagine the improved lives she could have left behind.
As a pastor hauled off her clothes to an inner city ministry, my sister found herself saying, "Well friend, at least your clothes are going to a good cause." She said she heard the friend's voice reply in her head though, "To those filthy drug dealers and prostitutes?"
Her paperwork was left in complete disarray too, requiring many hours of work to sort through. It also left a trail of proof as to her sociopathic ways. Paper after paper revealed falsehood after falsehood and laid evidence of the web of lies that was her existence.
Most entertaining was a letter she'd written to her most recent ex-husband who she had been married to for only a very short time. A millionaire, or at least that's what we'd always been told, he had been trying to get out of paying her so much alimony and she was berating him. She had written a long list of problems in her life (many of them falsehoods) and after each one, she wrote "YOU DID THIS TO ME!"
Amusingly enough, she accused him several times over of being a sociopath, even listing off all the traits and characteristics of one. We couldn't help but wonder if she recognized herself in them or if her lies just ran too deep to do so.
She lived a selfish, self centered life, never taking responsibility for her own actions and died a sad, sad person who will be remembered only for the comedy of errors she left behind.
Oh, and when packing her urn for the trip, which is, quite simply, a crock from her own kitchen counter, my sister couldn't quite resist labeling the wrapping, "YOU DID THIS TO ME!"
Why break with tradition now?
Friday, February 4, 2011
Sociopath, Psychopath or Anti Social Personality Disorder? Which is it?
So is he/she a "sociopath", "psychopath" or do they have "Anti Social Personality Disorder" (ASPD)? You pick, because basically, they're the same thing, particularly since few are ever officially diagnosed.
Calling someone a "Psychopath" tends to instill undue terror of those with this condition. This term usually instills thoughts of psychotic serial killers and so in the 1930's, authorities changed the term to sociopath.
"Sociopath" still carries weight and forewarns those who could be victimized, for even if the terror they inflict is merely emotional, it is terrorizing none-the-less. Once again, the term became synonymous with serial killers though, so the powers-that-be changed the name of the condition to ASPD.
Not only is the term "Anti Social Personality Disorder" long and ungainly, but it is too light and too benign or innocent sounding to protect the innocents that these people run across. All need to understand the gravity of the condition.
You will find that most people who write about the condition prefer the term sociopath, while those still caught in the midst of the terror lean towards psychopath. I prefer the weight of the name "sociopath" and will use it in my writings.
Somewhere, I heard that there are no degrees of sociopathy, that all are equally dangerous and that the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath is merely opportunity. Chilling.
In my experience, there are "higher functioning" sociopaths that maintain jobs and at least the facade of a marriage and family.
My son would be an example of a "lower functioning" sociopath. He couch surfs when not incarcerated, because he can't hold onto a job for long, and therefore a place to live. He simply cannot hold onto any relationship for long due to his inability to remain faithful and non-violent. He abuses substances and lives a life of crime.
Call it what you want, but learn and protect yourself. If you have anything else to add that would help others protect themselves and move on, please share.
Calling someone a "Psychopath" tends to instill undue terror of those with this condition. This term usually instills thoughts of psychotic serial killers and so in the 1930's, authorities changed the term to sociopath.
"Sociopath" still carries weight and forewarns those who could be victimized, for even if the terror they inflict is merely emotional, it is terrorizing none-the-less. Once again, the term became synonymous with serial killers though, so the powers-that-be changed the name of the condition to ASPD.
Not only is the term "Anti Social Personality Disorder" long and ungainly, but it is too light and too benign or innocent sounding to protect the innocents that these people run across. All need to understand the gravity of the condition.
You will find that most people who write about the condition prefer the term sociopath, while those still caught in the midst of the terror lean towards psychopath. I prefer the weight of the name "sociopath" and will use it in my writings.
Somewhere, I heard that there are no degrees of sociopathy, that all are equally dangerous and that the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath is merely opportunity. Chilling.
In my experience, there are "higher functioning" sociopaths that maintain jobs and at least the facade of a marriage and family.
My son would be an example of a "lower functioning" sociopath. He couch surfs when not incarcerated, because he can't hold onto a job for long, and therefore a place to live. He simply cannot hold onto any relationship for long due to his inability to remain faithful and non-violent. He abuses substances and lives a life of crime.
Call it what you want, but learn and protect yourself. If you have anything else to add that would help others protect themselves and move on, please share.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
How to Love a Socipath
How can you love a sociopath?!
When my children were young, I learned that if someone did something nice for my children, they did something nice for me. What can I say? I loved my children more than life itself. My world revolved around them.
And so similarly, if one wanted to hurt me, they need only hurt my children. Those mother-bear instincts run deep. When my grown boys were in self-destruct mode, I still loved them, but I didn't LIKE them. They were hurting my children!
From the time they were conceived, I sacrificed to give them the best of everything. I gave birth naturally when C-sections weren't required, spent my summers teaching them to work and providing them with home-grown organic vegetables. I cooked from scratch, took them to church, had family prayer, weekly family nights and family scripture study. I nurtured my marriage so that they would have a two-parent home and I was at home for them each day. I studied child-rearing books and volunteered regularly in their schools. We made sure that we were teaching by example how to be a good upstanding citizens and obey the laws of the land... and they were throwing it all away and destroying their own lives, not to mention taking down their siblings!
With our sociopathic son, we love the boy he once was. We love the man he is now too, but mostly feel pity for him. This illness has cost him everything. We hate the horrible things he has done to us and we mourn our losses as well as his, but we don't hate him. We love him enough to not support him in his destruction. We love him enough to not rescue him from his mistakes.
We love him from a distance. To protect ourselves and the family, we keep the contact to a minimum. We write to him in prison and send pictures, but we receive no joy from his return letters as they are full of lies and manipulations and of course, multiple requests. He feels the need to keep someone jumping through hoops for him in order to maintain some control.
If your sociopath is a neighbor, coworker or friend, keep as much distance between you as possible. You can't fix him or help him.
If your sociopath is a boyfriend, run! Get far away as fast as you can and whatever you do, don't make children with him, or you'll be tied to him for eternity!
If he is the father of your children, get your education and work with your family so that you can be financially independent. Most sociopaths want power and control, but not financial obligations. He may be very willing to sign away his parental rights if it means he won't be held financially responsible for the children. This is a best case scenario, because no child benefits from having a sociopathic parent. They are better off father-less, as you will have no control over what happens on those weekends they spend with dad...
If he is your child, sibling or parent, then it's a whole lot more complicated. As Dr. Laura teaches, you will still be an honorable child if you send your parent a card on all the important occasions, but you don't have to make a phone call or visit if you know you will be abused.
You don't have to let the sociopath turn your heart to stone. They can be loved, but it needs to be done from a distance!
When my children were young, I learned that if someone did something nice for my children, they did something nice for me. What can I say? I loved my children more than life itself. My world revolved around them.
And so similarly, if one wanted to hurt me, they need only hurt my children. Those mother-bear instincts run deep. When my grown boys were in self-destruct mode, I still loved them, but I didn't LIKE them. They were hurting my children!
From the time they were conceived, I sacrificed to give them the best of everything. I gave birth naturally when C-sections weren't required, spent my summers teaching them to work and providing them with home-grown organic vegetables. I cooked from scratch, took them to church, had family prayer, weekly family nights and family scripture study. I nurtured my marriage so that they would have a two-parent home and I was at home for them each day. I studied child-rearing books and volunteered regularly in their schools. We made sure that we were teaching by example how to be a good upstanding citizens and obey the laws of the land... and they were throwing it all away and destroying their own lives, not to mention taking down their siblings!
With our sociopathic son, we love the boy he once was. We love the man he is now too, but mostly feel pity for him. This illness has cost him everything. We hate the horrible things he has done to us and we mourn our losses as well as his, but we don't hate him. We love him enough to not support him in his destruction. We love him enough to not rescue him from his mistakes.
We love him from a distance. To protect ourselves and the family, we keep the contact to a minimum. We write to him in prison and send pictures, but we receive no joy from his return letters as they are full of lies and manipulations and of course, multiple requests. He feels the need to keep someone jumping through hoops for him in order to maintain some control.
If your sociopath is a neighbor, coworker or friend, keep as much distance between you as possible. You can't fix him or help him.
If your sociopath is a boyfriend, run! Get far away as fast as you can and whatever you do, don't make children with him, or you'll be tied to him for eternity!
If he is the father of your children, get your education and work with your family so that you can be financially independent. Most sociopaths want power and control, but not financial obligations. He may be very willing to sign away his parental rights if it means he won't be held financially responsible for the children. This is a best case scenario, because no child benefits from having a sociopathic parent. They are better off father-less, as you will have no control over what happens on those weekends they spend with dad...
If he is your child, sibling or parent, then it's a whole lot more complicated. As Dr. Laura teaches, you will still be an honorable child if you send your parent a card on all the important occasions, but you don't have to make a phone call or visit if you know you will be abused.
You don't have to let the sociopath turn your heart to stone. They can be loved, but it needs to be done from a distance!
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