"Spawn" is a terrible way to think of any precious child, but it is a good representation of how the sociopath looks upon the children he "brings into this world". (I can't bear to write "fathers" in reference to sociopaths.) Spawn usually refers to offspring in great numbers, and that is what the sociopath tends to produce since they are rarely if ever monogamous and they are incredible risk takers. They tend to sow their seeds everywhere they go.
A recent comment left on this site stated:
"Unfortunately I fell in love with a sociopath, and am now pregnant by him, only to realize he is married with 5 children, and is denying he's the father of my child. He lied about everything about himself, even went so far as to make up a story about his daughter dying. The man shed tears in my presence. Now I'm heartbroken, single, emotionally shattered, and wondering if I have the strength to terminate this pregnancy (I don't believe in abortion). I'm praying I don't have an incurable disease as a result of my interaction with him. My biggest fear is if I have this child, if it will turn out to be a sociopath, because sociopathy is highly genetic."
My reply to her follows:
I'm so sorry to hear this. You have some difficult decisions ahead of you, but thankfully, you've taken that all important first step of recognizing him for what he is.
Yes, there is a chance that the child could inherit it, but there is also a chance that it might not. In our case, only one of our five got the unlucky genes.
I cannot imagine dealing with a conduct disordered child as a single parent though. My husband changed careers once our boy went south because I had to have the mental, spiritual and even physical support at home.
Please, please, please consider the adoption option. Adoptive parents know that just like birth parents, they are taking a chance on what issues the child may have. But they have waited and prayed and prepared for years to have a child and they are equipped to deal with what ever comes their way.
More importantly, if you put the child up for adoption, the sociopath can never return to wreak havoc in his/her life. If you keep the baby, the sociopath is almost certain to never support it financially, and he can return at anytime and haunt both you and the child all your days.
The night our son was arrested, his girlfriend called to tell us and informed us in the same call that she was pregnant. Unfortunately she had already told him. She was a smart, educated girl and my advice to her was to adopt it out, but if not, to at least get him to sign away his rights rather than going for financial support. He'll never pay anyway.
I love, love, love children, but I would sacrifice my relationship with a grandchild anyday if it meant that the child would have a chance at life free of a sociopathic father with two people who are so very prepared and anxious to be parents.
As our son stood trial, the rumor mill spewed out different tales about the now ex-girlfriend. She was pregnant. She wasn't. She'd had a miscarriage. She hadn't. The other girls in "his harem" were mean and nasty about it and we distanced ourselves from all of it as much as we could. The girl had left the state and I suspect that she followed our advice. I pray for her and the child where ever they are and hope that they will remain free of our son's destructive influences.
Trust me when I say that the child will be used as a pawn in the sociopath's game of life. Our son has one child nearby and I've witnessed it repeated over and over in our grandchild's short life as contact with the child was used to try to control myself and others.
It breaks our hearts when this child talks about dad and how he's in prison, but even more, we dread the day our son will get out and return to this child's life. The child is a clone of him, and yet one time he claims the kid and the next time he is denying paternity and wanting us to get DNA testing done. We were there at the birth, we've been there for birthdays and Christmases and mom and dad going in and out of jail and prison. We will not deny this child nor be a part of our son doing so.
I will keep you and your health and the well-being of the child in my prayers. Remember that the most self-less, loving thing you can do is to give this child up. It would be the very hardest thing you would ever do, but you would bring incredible joy to not just the baby, but two parents, four grandparents and countless aunts, uncles and cousins in the new family that you would help create. God bless!
Showing posts with label sacrifice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sacrifice. Show all posts
Monday, April 4, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
How to Love a Socipath
How can you love a sociopath?!
When my children were young, I learned that if someone did something nice for my children, they did something nice for me. What can I say? I loved my children more than life itself. My world revolved around them.
And so similarly, if one wanted to hurt me, they need only hurt my children. Those mother-bear instincts run deep. When my grown boys were in self-destruct mode, I still loved them, but I didn't LIKE them. They were hurting my children!
From the time they were conceived, I sacrificed to give them the best of everything. I gave birth naturally when C-sections weren't required, spent my summers teaching them to work and providing them with home-grown organic vegetables. I cooked from scratch, took them to church, had family prayer, weekly family nights and family scripture study. I nurtured my marriage so that they would have a two-parent home and I was at home for them each day. I studied child-rearing books and volunteered regularly in their schools. We made sure that we were teaching by example how to be a good upstanding citizens and obey the laws of the land... and they were throwing it all away and destroying their own lives, not to mention taking down their siblings!
With our sociopathic son, we love the boy he once was. We love the man he is now too, but mostly feel pity for him. This illness has cost him everything. We hate the horrible things he has done to us and we mourn our losses as well as his, but we don't hate him. We love him enough to not support him in his destruction. We love him enough to not rescue him from his mistakes.
We love him from a distance. To protect ourselves and the family, we keep the contact to a minimum. We write to him in prison and send pictures, but we receive no joy from his return letters as they are full of lies and manipulations and of course, multiple requests. He feels the need to keep someone jumping through hoops for him in order to maintain some control.
If your sociopath is a neighbor, coworker or friend, keep as much distance between you as possible. You can't fix him or help him.
If your sociopath is a boyfriend, run! Get far away as fast as you can and whatever you do, don't make children with him, or you'll be tied to him for eternity!
If he is the father of your children, get your education and work with your family so that you can be financially independent. Most sociopaths want power and control, but not financial obligations. He may be very willing to sign away his parental rights if it means he won't be held financially responsible for the children. This is a best case scenario, because no child benefits from having a sociopathic parent. They are better off father-less, as you will have no control over what happens on those weekends they spend with dad...
If he is your child, sibling or parent, then it's a whole lot more complicated. As Dr. Laura teaches, you will still be an honorable child if you send your parent a card on all the important occasions, but you don't have to make a phone call or visit if you know you will be abused.
You don't have to let the sociopath turn your heart to stone. They can be loved, but it needs to be done from a distance!
When my children were young, I learned that if someone did something nice for my children, they did something nice for me. What can I say? I loved my children more than life itself. My world revolved around them.
And so similarly, if one wanted to hurt me, they need only hurt my children. Those mother-bear instincts run deep. When my grown boys were in self-destruct mode, I still loved them, but I didn't LIKE them. They were hurting my children!
From the time they were conceived, I sacrificed to give them the best of everything. I gave birth naturally when C-sections weren't required, spent my summers teaching them to work and providing them with home-grown organic vegetables. I cooked from scratch, took them to church, had family prayer, weekly family nights and family scripture study. I nurtured my marriage so that they would have a two-parent home and I was at home for them each day. I studied child-rearing books and volunteered regularly in their schools. We made sure that we were teaching by example how to be a good upstanding citizens and obey the laws of the land... and they were throwing it all away and destroying their own lives, not to mention taking down their siblings!
With our sociopathic son, we love the boy he once was. We love the man he is now too, but mostly feel pity for him. This illness has cost him everything. We hate the horrible things he has done to us and we mourn our losses as well as his, but we don't hate him. We love him enough to not support him in his destruction. We love him enough to not rescue him from his mistakes.
We love him from a distance. To protect ourselves and the family, we keep the contact to a minimum. We write to him in prison and send pictures, but we receive no joy from his return letters as they are full of lies and manipulations and of course, multiple requests. He feels the need to keep someone jumping through hoops for him in order to maintain some control.
If your sociopath is a neighbor, coworker or friend, keep as much distance between you as possible. You can't fix him or help him.
If your sociopath is a boyfriend, run! Get far away as fast as you can and whatever you do, don't make children with him, or you'll be tied to him for eternity!
If he is the father of your children, get your education and work with your family so that you can be financially independent. Most sociopaths want power and control, but not financial obligations. He may be very willing to sign away his parental rights if it means he won't be held financially responsible for the children. This is a best case scenario, because no child benefits from having a sociopathic parent. They are better off father-less, as you will have no control over what happens on those weekends they spend with dad...
If he is your child, sibling or parent, then it's a whole lot more complicated. As Dr. Laura teaches, you will still be an honorable child if you send your parent a card on all the important occasions, but you don't have to make a phone call or visit if you know you will be abused.
You don't have to let the sociopath turn your heart to stone. They can be loved, but it needs to be done from a distance!
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