Forgive and forget a sociopath? Are you nuts?!

I believe in forgiveness.  Yes, even for a sociopath.  I do not however, believe in forgetting when it involves a sociopath and I don't believe that the Lord would want us to.  Forgive them and move on?  Yes!  Forget and be a repeat abuse victim?  No!  Never.

Now let me add that forgive and forget is perfectly sound advice when dealing with healthy people who may hurt or offend you.  I want people to both forgive and forget the mistakes I've made and I certainly want the Lord to do the same for me, so I must offer that to others as well!  The rules are different when you are dealing with a sociopath, however, and only because you must defend and protect yourself and your family.

I saw on Facebook where a woman, trying to heal and move forward asked how she can forget the sociopath.  She was wisely advised not to.  While continuing to dwell on the sociopath and the havoc he wreaked, will only empower him or her, it is very important for us to always remember the lessons learned. 

She also asked how she can forgive herself.  Come again?  She was a victim!  There is no forgiveness of self required unless she continues to remain a victim.

One way to pave the road toward forgiveness is to remember that the sick, evil games that sociopaths play can and will be played on anyone and everyone.  It's not about you, it's about opportunity as they see it.  You are just a game piece in this game they call life.  You were merely an opportunity to attain something they wanted.

Don't take it personally.  Easier said than done, right?  It is tough to do for me as a mother, but I recognize that my son would hate anybody that had been his mother.  He would hate anybody who stood in his way and called him on his crap.

It is a proven fact that forgiveness is good for you.  There are definite health benefits such as lower heart rate, blood pressure and stress levels resulting in lower risk of depression for you, the forgiver.  Many find that once they forgive another, that many of their health complaints are relieved.  It is true that feelings buried alive never die- they just pop up in the form of physical ailments!  So do it for you.  Find forgiveness in your heart, but don't ever forget lest you be victimized again.

"Being mistreated is the most important condition of mortality, for eternity itself depends on how we view those who mistreat us."
                                                                                       - The Peacegiver

How to Love a Socipath

How can you love a sociopath?!

When my children were young, I learned that if someone did something nice for my children, they did something nice for me.  What can I say?  I loved my children more than life itself.  My world revolved around them. 

And so similarly, if one wanted to hurt me, they need only hurt my children.  Those mother-bear instincts run deep.  When my grown boys were in self-destruct mode, I still loved them, but I didn't LIKE them.  They were hurting my children! 

From the time they were conceived, I sacrificed to give them the best of everything.  I gave birth naturally when C-sections weren't required,  spent my summers teaching them to work and providing them with home-grown organic vegetables.  I cooked from scratch, took them to church, had family prayer, weekly family nights and family scripture study.  I nurtured my marriage so that they would have a two-parent home and I was at home for them each day.  I studied child-rearing books and volunteered regularly in their schools.  We made sure that we were teaching by example how to be a good upstanding citizens and obey the laws of the land... and they were throwing it all away and destroying their own lives, not to mention taking down their siblings!

With our sociopathic son, we love the boy he once was.  We love the man he is now too, but mostly feel pity for him.  This illness has cost him everything.  We hate the horrible things he has done to us and we mourn our losses as well as his, but we don't hate him.  We love him enough to not support him in his destruction.  We love him enough to not rescue him from his mistakes.

We love him from a distance.  To protect ourselves and the family, we keep the contact to a minimum.  We write to him in prison and send pictures, but we receive no joy from his return letters as they are full of lies and manipulations and of course, multiple requests.  He feels the need to keep someone jumping through hoops for him in order to maintain some control.

If your sociopath is a neighbor, coworker or friend, keep as much distance between you as possible.  You can't fix him or help him. 

If your sociopath is a boyfriend, run!  Get far away as fast as you can and whatever you do, don't make children with him, or you'll be tied to him for eternity! 

If he is the father of your children, get your education and work with your family so that you can be financially independent.  Most sociopaths want power and control, but not financial obligations.  He may be very willing to sign away his parental rights if it means he won't be held financially responsible for the children.  This is a best case scenario, because no child benefits from having a sociopathic parent.  They are better off father-less, as you will have no control over what happens on those weekends they spend with dad...

If he is your child, sibling or parent, then it's a whole lot more complicated.  As Dr. Laura teaches, you will still be an honorable child if you send your parent a card on all the important occasions, but you don't have to make a phone call or visit if you know you will be abused. 

You don't have to let the sociopath turn your heart to stone.  They can be loved, but it needs to be done from a distance!