Avoiding the Domino Effect - safe guarding your children and others'

To the reader who wrote: "Pretty ironic this is also my first child, huh? Of course I've learned a great deal of patience and my other 3 children are not like him at all, quite the opposite actually."

I reply: It is even scarier when it is your oldest child.  Misery loves company and our son did everything in his power to entice his younger siblings (and the neighbor children) to join him. He provided them with substances and other things that would curl your toes.  He also constantly undermined our parenting.  Whatever we told our children, he'd pull them aside and tell them how awful and unfair and twisted our rules and standards were.  His younger brother was very lost for years and we nearly lost him physically because of it.  He is finding it a long, uphill climb to get out of the hole his brother drug him into at a very tender age.

It was horrifying to watch the domino effect taking place in our family.  We did everything we could, but it wasn't enough.  We learned to take a harder line with the first two and have been able to save the younger ones from falling in line.  Here are some of  the things we learned:

I would recommend that you limit the influence this child has on the others as much as possible.  It is not a good idea for him to be sharing a bedroom with a younger siblings where there is too much privacy and opportunity to "indoctrinate" them and share his substances if he is into them. I would recommend a very firm rule about him not being in their bedrooms and vice-versa, especially if you have a daughter!  You don't know at this point what his potential for wrong doing is, so better safe than sorry.  I wish I had learned that earlier, but I kept trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. 
There is much you can do to protect the younger ones without sending your son a message of complete distrust.  Rely on your parenting instincts.

I would recommend eliminating sleep overs.  Just like with measles, you do not want to be responsible for your sick child infecting your friends' otherwise healthy children, and  your sick child will try!

If you have good grandparents in the picture, enlist them to help you.  They can reassure the younger ones that big brother is temporarily lost and that mom and dad are not over-the-top in their discipline, etc. 

People kept telling us that sending the problem child away wouldn't help because he'd get into trouble where ever he was.  This is true, and we didn't have any place to send him anyway, but in retrospect, I know that it would have saved the younger one if we had sent the older child elsewhere to live.  We felt like he was our problem though, and that we shouldn't push our responsibilities off on anyone else, but hind sight is 20/20...

If your child has conduct disorder and you can afford it, boot camp or one of the other options for troubled teens is the best place if you have younger children.

On the News- Parents find little help in dealing with psychopathic, sociopathic children

When a local reporter was doing a story on mental illness in prisons, I followed with interest and then  suggested a follow-up on Sociopathy.  I was surprised when they wanted to interview me, and agreed only on the condition that it, like this blog, be done anonymously.  It was a scary undertaking for my family and I very nearly backed out, but I truly feel that this information needs to get out there to more people because knowledge is power to protect oneself and one's family.

http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=148&sid=15518791

I suggest you also check out the link she shared on sociopath vs. psychopath. This was new information to me, though sadly, not very comforting.

http://helpingpsychology.com/sociopath-vs-psychopath-whats-the-difference

The Spawn of the Sociopath

"Spawn" is a terrible way to think of any precious child, but it is a good representation of how the sociopath looks upon the children he "brings into this world".  (I can't bear to write "fathers" in reference to sociopaths.)  Spawn usually refers to offspring in great numbers, and that is what the sociopath tends to produce since they are rarely if ever monogamous and they are incredible risk takers.   They tend to sow their seeds everywhere they go.


A recent comment left on this site stated:


"Unfortunately I fell in love with a sociopath, and am now pregnant by him, only to realize he is married with 5 children, and is denying he's the father of my child. He lied about everything about himself, even went so far as to make up a story about his daughter dying. The man shed tears in my presence. Now I'm heartbroken, single, emotionally shattered, and wondering if I have the strength to terminate this pregnancy (I don't believe in abortion). I'm praying I don't have an incurable disease as a result of my interaction with him. My biggest fear is if I have this child, if it will turn out to be a sociopath, because sociopathy is highly genetic."
My reply to her follows:

I'm so sorry to hear this.  You have some difficult decisions ahead of you, but thankfully, you've taken that all important first step of recognizing him for what he is. 

Yes, there is a chance that the child could inherit it, but there is also a chance that it might not.  In our case, only one of our five got the unlucky genes. 

I cannot imagine dealing with a conduct disordered child as a single parent though. My husband changed careers once our boy went south because I had to have the mental, spiritual and even physical support at home.

Please, please, please consider the adoption option.  Adoptive parents know that just like birth parents, they are taking a chance on what issues the child may have.  But they have waited and prayed  and prepared for years to have a child and they are equipped to deal with what ever comes their way. 
More importantly, if you put the child up for adoption, the sociopath can never return to wreak havoc in his/her life.  If you keep the baby, the sociopath is almost certain to never support it financially, and he can return at anytime and haunt both you and the child all your days. 

The night our son was arrested, his girlfriend called to tell us and informed us in the same call that she was pregnant.  Unfortunately she had already told him.  She was a smart, educated girl and my advice to her was to adopt it out, but if not, to at least get him to sign away his rights rather than going for financial support.  He'll never pay anyway. 

I love, love, love children, but I would sacrifice my relationship with a grandchild anyday if it meant that the child would have a chance at life free of a sociopathic father with two people who are so very prepared and anxious to be parents.

As our son stood trial, the rumor mill spewed out different tales about the now ex-girlfriend.  She was pregnant.  She wasn't.  She'd had a miscarriage.  She hadn't.  The other girls in "his harem" were mean and nasty about it and we distanced ourselves from all of it as much as we could.  The girl had left the state and I suspect that she followed our advice.  I pray for her and the child where ever they are and hope that they will remain free of our son's destructive influences. 

Trust me when I say that the child will be used as a pawn in the sociopath's game of life.  Our son has one child nearby and I've witnessed it repeated over and over in our grandchild's short life as contact with the child was used to try to control myself and others.

It breaks our hearts when this child talks about dad and how he's in prison, but even more, we dread the day our son will get out and return to this child's life.  The child is a clone of him, and yet one time he claims the kid and the next time he is denying paternity and wanting us to get DNA testing done.  We were there at the birth, we've been there for birthdays and Christmases and mom and dad going in and out of jail and prison.  We will not deny this child nor be a part of our son doing so.

I will keep you and your health and the well-being of the child in my prayers.  Remember that the most self-less, loving thing you can do is to give this child up.  It would be the very hardest thing you would ever do, but you would bring incredible joy to not just the baby, but two parents, four grandparents and countless aunts, uncles and cousins in the new family that you would help create.  God bless!

Held Hostage by a Sociopathic Child!

The first time I shared this blog with friends, I got a reply back almost immediately from an old friend who lives in another state.

"Your son is MY daughter. I am not just saying that. Between her domestic violence charges for attacks on me, to her being picked up smoking drugs. It is soooooo hard to deal with. I am to the point where I am literally counting the days until she turns 18. In fact, there are 118 days for me to remain hostage in my own house with this terror."

I'm sure that my friend, like me, had no idea when she held her sweet little baby in her arms of the utter turmoil that child would eventually throw the entire family into.  That is the nature of this disease.

I think that it is important for others to realize the horrors of being held hostage in your own home by your own child.  This girl has threatened to kill her mother while she sleeps!  If anybody else in the world had done that, there would be serious repercussions.  If older, it would qualify as punishable under Elder Abuse laws.  But when it is your own child, you are legally required to  keep them in your home. 

I'm a pretty stoic person, but I remember hours spent sobbing on the phone, with various social workers and agencies trying to no avail to find help protecting my other children from our son. 

We well remember a time when our son had been a runaway and then we got the call in the middle of the night that the police had picked him up for urinating on a playground.  We had no desire to pick him up and bring him back into our home, but we also didn't want to face charges ourselves or risk having our other children removed, so we put him in the van and headed for a local youth facility that gives parents and kids a time out from each other after a counseling session. 

Of course, once away from the police, he was vicious and belligerent.  I remember the ride there vividly and the fear that he would either grab the wheel from my husband and cause us to crash or that he would use the seat belt to strangle me. My husband later confessed to the exact same fears running through his mind.  I kept thinking about us leaving the other children orphaned in our attempts to appease the law with this child.

But guess what?  The facility didn't take him because we didn't say that we were within an inch of strangling him.  It didn't matter that we feared for our lives. 

My friend is still a few months from her daughter's birthday and I worry and fear for her daily.  I know the nightmare she is living.  We can only pray that the child will run away for the remainder of that time.

I know we are not alone in this!  There are other parents out there in our shoes!  Where is the logic?  Should there not be laws in place that protect parents from their dangerously mentally ill children?

Sociopaths Lie Even When the Truth Will Do

Have you ever looked at your sociopath and wondered why they would lie about such simple, unimportant things?  They'll lie about what they had for lunch even though it doesn't matter.  The truth would serve quite sufficiently, but they'll lie anyway.  You will notice that they don't even seem to be able to tell the difference between fact and fiction anymore as they have lied to themselves so extensively. 
They'll even lie to you about you.  You know perfectly well that it's a lie, but they are so persistent, looking you in the eye and "swearing to God" that it's the truth, that pretty soon you are questioning your own sanity. 

Our son, as he worsened, lied both to us and about us.  He told the neighbors, his friends, extended family members and all kinds of other people all kinds of horror stories about us to gain their sympathy and their support.  We would meet people for the first time and they would look at us like we were monsters.  We only learned later about how we had kicked him out, given him alcohol in the home, abused him, etc.  They were all lies, but convincing sounding ones coming from his mouth. 

It's a wonder that they didn't come and take all of our children away.  That was one reason why we corresponded so freely with his counselors and probation officers.  I didn't want to be a pest, but I wanted to make sure our side was heard, not out of revenge, but protection for the family.

If you have a child with conduct disorder, I recommend that you stay in close contact via email with teachers, attendance clerks, counselors, etc.  And make sure your e-mail is highly secure! 

We are still healing wounds our son created with extended family members.  They heard so many lies about us over the years from our son through his grandparents who were total suckers for him, that they were convinced of our insanity.  Now that the grandparents are gone and our son is in prison, they are very, very slowly realizing that maybe, just maybe we weren't the crazy ones.

To this day, I dread any conversation with our boy and get no pleasure from reading his letters because everything he says, we automatically doubt.  It is a horrible way to live, but we have to protect ourselves by not believing him.  We can still be victimized by his lies to others about us, but not  by his lies to us. 

We can minimize even that victimization though when we recognize that it is not personal.  Lying and smear campaigns are just what sociopaths do.  They are severely handicapped by their missing emotions and the mental illness.  He's not doing it because he hates us personally, so much as for the roles we fulfilled in his life as his parents, especially as parents with the guts to call him on his crap and try to warn his prey.  For that we can be proud!

If I Had It All To Do Over... Raising a Sociopath

The thought of living our sociopath son's teen years over again is absolutely horrifying.  They were such a roller coaster ride of emotions with a lot more time spent down that up.  Our home is generally a very peaceful place to be.  When he was home though, it was the opposite.   It was like he sucked the peace right out of a room upon entering and spewed forth negative energy.  We walked on eggshells, forced to be suspect of his every move. We had to safe guard our wallets, purses, vehicles and younger children.  We felt like prisoners whenever he was home.  It is was like having the enemy in our camp and being powerless to evict him!  Why secure the house each night when the one we feared most was within?

I ask myself frequently what I would do differently if I had it to do all over again.  At that time though, we didn't know how dire his diagnosis was.  We had hopes of saving him from himself, so we kept plugging away.  As a consequence, we lost our next oldest to drugs, alcohol and crime for quite some time. 

I don't know what we could have done differently.  We hung in there.  We tried it all.  We listened to every professional and tried every technique and method suggested.  We read and studied and fasted and prayed and tried to love him through it all.  I was blessed to be a stay-at-home mom so that I could stay on top of things and my husband changed careers so that he wouldn't have to leave town.

In retrospect, knowing what I know now, that we were fighting a losing battle, would I have done anything different?  The only thing I can imagine is that maybe I could have gotten a high enough paying job to be able to put him into a military school.  He went through several fabulous state-sponsored rehabilitative programs, from Therapeutic Group Homes to Detention Facilities to a Wilderness Trek, but they were temporary and I fear he just corrupted the other boys and manipulated the adults, especially the female ones.  What we needed was a place where they were paid to keep him, but it would have had to have been a high security facility and those don't come cheap!  All I've ever wanted in life is to be a full-time mom, but if it would have meant saving my other children from his influence, then I suspect that my returning to work for a few years might have been worth it.

So there you have it, but I have to chuckle, because being a mother, I realize that had we done that, I would probably live in guilt for having "abandoned" him!  There is no escaping the mommy guilt!  It is our lot in life, but I'll take it, for there is no greater calling in life than parenthood.  Though I'd not choose to repeat those years, I would never trade the education I received.  Now where can I go for an honorary degree?

Did you raise a sociopath?  What would you have done differently?  What advice would you offer?

Now I Understand... Narcissism and the Sociopath

Along with our son's diagnosis of Conduct Disorder (read young sociopath) as a teen, came a diagnosis of narcissism.  Well, I had to look that up and what I found explained a lot. 

Now I understood why he spent so much time in front of the mirror a an early age, making sure he looked perfect.  Now I understood his shoe fettish! 

Now I understood why he quit sport teams where he was very succesful, but not THE STAR. 

Now I understood why family and friends had to repeatedly rewind and rewatch footage of him playing sports so that we could all admire his calf muscles.

Now I understood why he was "the bomb" and the absolute best at everything... at least in his own mind.  Not that he didn't proclaim it on a regular basis.

Now I understood why when introducing himself to the church congregation, he ended with, "I hope you all enjoy me."

Seriously.  He said that.

Now I understood why the boy that can't determine fact from fiction can remember so very well, everytime I tried to warn some girl about him and hates me for it to this day.

Whether the narcissist in your life is your  man, your child or your mother, step carefully! Understanding the narcissist is important.  How to handle them is even more important.

"Your 'outing' of him or her adds to his narcissistic injury.  A narcissist needs to look good in front of others and you gain nothing by proving he is not the best, smartest, wealthiest, most capable person he wants to be seen as."

While this is all rather amusing on the surface, it is truly quite disturbing on deeper levels.  Narcissism destroys families, it destroys lives.  Learn about it and how to protect yourself and please, share your insights here. Together we can heal.

My Secret Truth- Confessions From the Mother of a Sociopath

I'd rather my son had cancer, even terminal cancer.


As a mother, I never, ever thought I would say something like that, but it is my awful truth.


If he had contracted cancer as a teen instead of this personality disorder, then it would have been him and us fighting together against the cancer.  Instead, what we got was him turned sociopath, fighting against us and all that we hold dear.  And he was determined to infect all of the rest of us, particularly his younger siblings!


Even if it were terminal?  Yes!  If he had died as the boy we knew and loved, we would miss him desperately, but we would be at peace with knowing that he was in the loving arms of our Savior and that we would be together again someday.


As it stands, we desperately miss the boy that was once such an integral part of our family anyway.  We don't recognize this man-child that has tried so hard to tear this family apart.  We don't know this man that turned my husband's parents so viciously upon us.


If he had contracted a terminal illness, then he wouldn't be spending his days destroying the lives of innocent women and children, commiting armed robberies and home invasions.  He wouldn't have pulled his younger brother along with him into a life of drugs and crime.  If he had died while he was young, we wouldn't worry over his eternal salvation.


This is my truth.  Why would I share such a thing?  In hopes that you will come to peace with the awful truths that your sociopath has brought to your life. 

I would love to hear from you as we take this journey toward healing together.